Another feely post. Skip over it if you want.
Sometimes I must put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, if you will), to vent my spleen over something.
I’m tired, stressed and just coming through the tail end of food poisoning, which will all affect how I think and feel.
Coupled with this, we start the first show in our Los Angeles Fringe Festival run tonight and I’m nervous. I’m not normally a nervous actor at all in any way. I found many ways of turning the nervousness (negative energy) into excitement (positive energy) years ago. It is not working today though. I think it’s because I am too much of a perfectionist in all things. I should really learn to think “good enough” for my own sanity, but I can’t. Even a typo in a text message bothers me more than it should and I usually feel compelled to send a follow up text with the correct word. It’s only certain words though. If I write ‘teh’ instead of ‘the’, that’s an excusable typo. If I type ‘thier’ instead of ‘their’, then it’s like I’ve just punched the Queen; it has to be rectified.
Anyway, back to the story.
I’m stressed because I’m trying to find ways of coming up with $6000 so I can start the Green Card process, which will ultimately, hopefully, lead to me becoming a US dual citizen with the UK after five to six years. I love it here in America because I really feel this is where I will make my mark on the world in some way. I have so many good friends here and I don’t want to have to go back to the UK and lose them. I’ve learned so much out here, not only about the way the world works, but about myself too. My acting ability is going from strength to strength and I firmly believe that this is my time to shine and that my tireless work on my craft will get noticed and I will get more work (and subsequently, money so I can pay bills).
I can’t imagine doing anything else. I can’t go back to work for the Government; I burnt that bridge some time ago. I can’t go back to the Sheriff’s Office as the danger in that job stressed me out. I certainly don’t want to go back to the first job I had as a youngster, sales.
Anyway, I have all these skills now that I never had before. Stage combat skills, horse riding, new firearms techniques that I had not seen before. All this good stuff that I need to do something useful with.
I am an actor until the day I die.
Damien Gerard 