I’m not sure I always feel like I’m in the seat. Sometimes I’m only holding on by one hand and flying out behind the roller coaster. I don’t know anybody who doesn’t feel that way.”
– David Morse
This blog entry isn’t written for you, dear reader, it’s written for me. It’s written so I can make sense of my thoughts and i’ve decided I want to share it with the world… well that part of the world that wants to see it anyway. Part of being an actor is sharing intimate thoughts, breaking down walls and showing vulnerabilities.
Life really is a roller coaster at times. Ups and downs and all manner of twists and turns designed to keep you off balance and out of kilter…
Sometimes I sit here at my desk, in front of my computer, and wonder what the fuck i’m doing with my life. What sort of idiot gives up a well paid job to go and follow a dream?
I’m scared. I don’t know what the future holds. Some days it’s hard to stay positive but other days it’s easy. Life is a roller coaster. When I haven’t had an audition for weeks and weeks it’s not easy. When i’m acting though it’s like every fibre of my being has been electrified, has lit up, is on fire and i’m burning brighter than a thousand suns. It’s those moments that make all the space in between worth it. It’s those moments that make me feel truly alive and those moment that make everything easy to bear. Every day that I spend looking for acting work or working on my USa accent, a monologue or writing (not that i’ve done much of that recently) is keeping me focused and my eyes on the prize. I’ve got a little Oscar statuette on top of my right monitor that has a plaque on it that reads “Awarded to Damien Gerard for outstanding commitment and dedication to his dream.” Two of my best friends gave me that and I doubt they realise exactly how important it is to me to have that there, where I can read it and be inspired by it every day.
This year has been a tough one. I even had to get a part-time job to get a bit of cash rolling in. At first I chose a bad company and they treated me poorly. This impacted on me as a person and I needed to gt out of there, which I did. I found another company that is a joy to work for. OK, so the money is less but I feel infinitely happier working there on the weekends whilst I work on my acting during the week. It means I will miss out on some weekend social events but hey, i’m trying to build a career here and my friends are my friends for a reason, they understand what must be done to follow a dream.
My USA visa is with USCIS and it’s taking ages to work through the system; far, far longer than my US visa lawyer said it would. I remain hopeful that it will go through though.
I’ve been affected by a lot of shit that has happened to the world over the last few months. From the escalating conflicts in the middle east and eastern Europe, plus the deaths of some people that meant a lot to me but it’s all about pulling through stronger than before; never giving up and always putting one foot in front of the other. Even my father, who was less than impressed all those years ago when I told him I was jacking my job in and selling my car, said to me the other day “have you done everything you can and explored every avenue of being successful as an actor? No? Then you can’t quit until you do.” Sage advice indeed and honestly not something I expected from him on this subject.
I haven’t explored every avenue. I’ve made good friuends and lost others I thought were good friends but at the end of the day, all that matters is dogged persistence. I expect I will make and break many more friendships. After all this is one of the most fickle businesses on the face of the planet and I just need to make sure my skin is thick and my mind is focused.
I know my glittering destination ahead of me. I can see it; it’s there. How i’m going to get there is not my concern, i just need to know that I will make it.
Damien Gerard 